August 8th – Down the rabbit hole – there I go again: another day, another week, of time lost down the rabbit hole of distraction. I could blame my health (been coughing steadily through the whole month of July and now into August) or the need to focus on work once in a while (writing was hard enough when I had the spare time between jobs; now that I have been working again, I find fewer and fewer moments of true focus where I can dive into a new world and try to be creative, even just to try to think about what parts I may be able to edit out, without the reader becoming lost somewhere down the road…). There are constant distractions, and I can believe now why so many writers (at least the ones I know) are single, without external responsibilities (…I know, I’m over-generalizing here…) but it’s like living with a foot in two different worlds, and it’s a constant battle to see which one demands more of me. Don’t you think?
I wonder at times if I will ever finish, after having that burst of focus and energy to get the primary writing done – it’s been a year-and-a-half since I left my old job, taking a break and letting myself relax for seven months. That’s when my wife encouraged me to take a stab at writing. I put together something that had been stewing in my heads for years, and now I have meat of a story that will carry on into several sequels, but not the time to whittle it down into something less rambling than my initial stream of thought. No wonder I get no interest from the agents I have approached.
$5,000 is what I’ve told to expect to pay a professional editor, for something of this size – not really an option for a casual enterprise; not when there are bills to pay and kids to put through school. The new job pays less, so the money has to go further. This is a side-gambit at best, and takes a back-seat to real adulting. I hardly expected this tale would ever amount to anything that would generate a real living, and so I devote my energies to work and family.
I am tired from hacking cough, and don’t expect the doctor would be able to do much about it, but it fatigues me. When I am not working, I find myself seated n a comfortable chair, in front of the TV, flipping the channels to anything that is entertaining, but not so complex as to require much focus to follow. Deadliest Catch is a favourite, as is Yukon Gold. Time lost watching other people live their lives, chasing their dreams. Down the rabbit hole – this is what TV was made for isn’t it? – The modern ‘opiate of the masses’? (sorry Mr. Marx, religion just ain’t what it used to be…). TV – the intellectual sedative that immerses us in others people stories, instead of letting us be free to live our own.
I lie in bed at night, thinking of the things I didn’t do. The things I should have done. And about the things I should do tomorrow. Not just about the things I should have written, or the edits I should have made, but the exercise I should have found time to do (I blame my cough for keeping me from jogging, but that is just the current excuse…). I tell myself that I will do better tomorrow. It actually keeps me up at night, keeping me from rest.
Then tomorrow comes.
I hear the alarm. I turn it off. I roll over and try to get a few more minutes of rest before I inevitably have to get up and login for work.
I miss the chance to take that walk, to get some exercise, to get some energy.
I miss the chance to put down at least a few of the edits I have been thinking about.
And I jump right back into the rabbit hole…
